Dale Carnegie’s flagship “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a foundational book on communication, relationship-building, and personal effectiveness. First published in 1936, its principles remain relevant for anyone seeking to improve their social skills, leadership, and influence.

Key Lessons

  • Avoid criticism and condemnation: Criticizing others rarely leads to positive change; instead, seek to understand and encourage.
  • Make the other person feel important: Offer sincere appreciation and recognition.
  • Show genuine interest in others: Listen actively, ask questions, and remember people’s names to make them feel valued.
  • Smile and be positive: A simple smile and a positive attitude can open doors and create goodwill.
  • Be a good listener: Encourage others to talk about themselves and their interests.
  • Talk in terms of the other person’s interests: Frame conversations around what matters to others.
  • Admit your mistakes quickly: Taking responsibility builds trust and respect.
  • Let the other person save face: Be tactful and considerate in difficult situations.

Fundamental People Handling Techniques

If you want honey, don’t kick the beehive - avoid criticism

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

The big secret of people - appreciation

Give honest and sincere appreciation

John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once confessed, “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, “As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.” The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

Any fool can criticize, condemn or complain - and most fools do. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

“To know all is to forgive all”

“Don’t be afraid of the enemies who attack you. Be affraid of the friends who flatter you.” - General Alvaro Obregon

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

“Don’t critize, instead be hearty in appropbation and lavish in praise” - Charles Schwab

Those who can do this have the whole world - arose eagerness

Arouse in the other person an eager want

Prime hook with the tastiest bait for its audience.

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

“Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire, and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” - Harry A. Overstreet

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself:

“How can I make this person want to do it?”

Always frame a situation around what’s in it for them. Such as getting a kindergartener excited about their first day and what they will get out of it; finger painting, new friends, etc.

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” - Henry Ford

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition. , a noted lawyer and

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.” - Owen D. Young (one of America’s great business leaders)

When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

Make People Like You

Do this and be welcome anywhere - be interested in others

Become genuinely interested in other people

People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” - Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist

Be genuinely interested in others.

“I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had happened since my visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to the young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to the others in the store. He told the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a loyal customer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter.”

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

“I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.”

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” - Publilius Syrus, famous Roman poet

Make a good first impression - smile

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says:

“I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you”

“After he started on the job, I asked him why he had chosen us over the others. He paused ‘I think it was because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a cold, business-like manner, which made me feel like just another business transaction. Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear from me…that you really wanted me to be part of your organization.’”

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

The ultimate human survival guide in a nutshell:

“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much after all.”

“most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” - Abe Lincoln

Mini essay by Elbert Hubbard

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual…Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude—the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.

Don’t be headed for trouble - names

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.

“the President was extremely pleasant and cheerful. He called me by name, made me feel very comfortable, and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitally interested in things I had to show him and tell him.” - Chamberlain writes about Roosevelt

Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important—yet how many of us do it?

One of the first lessons a politician learns is this:

“To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”

Become a good conversationalist - listen

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Harvard president Charles W. Eliot himself was a past master of the art of listening. Henry James recalled:

“Dr. Eliot’s listening was not mere silence, but a form of activity. Sitting very erect on the end of his spine with hands joined in his lap, making no movement except that he revolved his thumbs around each other faster or slower, he faced his interlocutor and seemed to be hearing with his eyes as well as his ears. He listened with his mind and attentively considered what you had to say while you said it. At the end of an interview the person who had talked to him felt that he had had his say.”

Most people are motivated by the need to feel important.

“But in reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air.”

People crave a good listener.

“Lincoln hadn’t wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.”

Most people are bores, that like to talk about themselves, intoxicated with their own egos, drunk with a sense of their own importance.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.

“Those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated, no matter how instructed they may be.” - Dr Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia University

How to interest people - others interests

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.

“Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years—trying to get his business - and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about.”

How to Make People Like You Instantly - make others feel important

Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this:

Always make the other person feel important.

William James said:

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

“Chris was a very quiet, shy boy lacking in self-confidence, the kind of student that often does not receive the attention he deserves. I also teach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a status symbol and a privilege for a student to have earned the right to be in it. On Wednesday, Chris was diligently working at his desk. I really felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him. I asked Chris if he would like to be in the advanced class. How I wish I could express the look in Chris’s face, the emotions in that shy fourteen-year old boy, trying to hold back his tears.”

Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget, our deep desire to feel important. To help me never forget this rule, I made a sign which reads YOU ARE IMPORTANT. This sign hangs in the front of the classroom for all to see and to remind me that each student I face is equally important.

Remember what Emerson said:

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” - Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire.

How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

You Can’t Win an Argument - avoid like the plague

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle." The man who said that taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. I not only had made the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an embarrassing situation. How much better it would have been had I not become argumentative.

I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument, and that is to avoid it.

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

As Ben Franklin used to say:

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.

So figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an academic, theatrical victory or a person’s good will? You can seldom have both.

Disagreement Handling Cheat Sheet

Credit: Bits and Pieces, The Economics Press, Fairfield, N.J.

  1. Welcome the disagreement: Remember “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
  2. Distrust your first instinctive impression: Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
  3. Control your temper: Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
  4. Listen first: Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
  5. Look for areas of agreement: When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
  6. Be honest: Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
  7. Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully: And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say, “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
  8. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest: Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
  9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem: Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
    • Could my opponents be right? Partly right?
    • Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
    • Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
    • Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
    • Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
    • Will I win or lose?
    • What price will I have to pay if I win?
    • If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
    • Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

A Sure Way of Making Enemies and Avoiding It - respect others opinions

Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” - Galileo

Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star. So, if you are inclined to tell people they are wrong, please read the following paragraph every morning.

“We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened. The little word ‘my’ is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force whether it is ‘my’ dinner, ‘my’ dog, and ‘my’ house, or ‘my’ father, ‘my’ country, and ‘my’ God. We not only resent the imputation that our watch is wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals of Mars, of the pronunciation of “Epictetus”, of the medicinal value of salicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to revision. We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.” - Carl Rogers

Ben Franklin tells how he conquered the iniquitous habit of argument and transformed himself into one of the most able, suave and diplomatic men in American history.

“I made it a rule, to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own, I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’. When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.”

By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insisting continually that they were right in laying out (white pine) boards not satisfactory to their purpose, I got him warmed up, and the strained relations between us began to thaw and melt away.

Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, then the nation’s highest ranking black officer. Dr. King replied:

“I judge people by their own principles - not by my own.”

If You’re Wrong, Admit It - admit wrongs quickly

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say, and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did with me and Rex.

There’s a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes — and most fools do — but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. One of the most beautiful things that history records about Robert E. Lee is the way he blamed himself and only himself for the failure of Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg.

Lee was so saddened, so shocked, that he sent in his resignation and asking for “a younger and abler man”. If Lee had wanted to blame the disastrous failure of Pickett’s charge on someone else, he could have found a score of alibis. Some of his division commanders had failed him. The cavalry hadn’t arrived in time to support the infantry attack. But Lee was far too noble to blame others. As Pickett’s beaten and bloody troops struggled back to the Confederate lines, Robert E. Lee rode out to meet them all alone and greeted them with a self-condemnation that was little short of sublime.

“All this has been my fault, I and I alone have lost this battle.”

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

A Drop of Honey - be friendly

Begin in a friendly way.

“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” - Lincoln

Irate, belligerent miners were demanding higher wages from the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company; Rockefeller controlled that company. Rockefeller wanted to win the strikers to his way of thinking. And he did it. This speech, in its entirety, is a masterpiece. It produced astonishing results. It calmed the tempestuous waves of hate that threatened to engulf Rockefeller. It won him a host of admirers. It presented facts in such a friendly manner that the strikers went back to work without saying another word about the increase in wages for which they had fought so violently.

His speech was radiant with such phrases as “I am proud to be here”, “having visited in your homes”, “met many of your wives and children,” “we meet here not as strangers, but as friends”, “spirit of mutual friendship”, “our common interests”, “it is only by your courtesy that I am here”, etc.

“This is a red-letter day in my life, it is the first time I have ever had the good fortune to meet the representatives of the employees of this great company, its officers and superintendents, together, and I can assure you that I am proud to be here, and that I shall remember this gathering as long as I live. Had this meeting been held two weeks ago, I should have stood here a stranger to most of you, recognizing a few faces. Having had the opportunity last week of visiting all the camps in the southern coal field and of talking individually with practically all of the representatives, except those who were away; having visited in your homes, met many of your wives and children, we meet here not as strangers, but as friends, and it is in that spirit of mutual friendship that I am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you our common interests.

“Since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and the representatives of the employees, it is only by your courtesy that I am here, for I am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other; and yet I feel that I am intimately associated with you men, for, in a sense, I represent both the stockholders and the directors.”

As Lincoln observed:

“If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.”

No bulldozing. No high-pressure methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others. Webster used the soft-spoken, quiet, friendly approach, and it helped to make him famous.

“If I had tried to get the rent reduced by the methods the other tenants were using, I am positive I should have met with the same failure they encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won.”

The Sun and The Wind

The sun and the wind once quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said “I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can.” So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him. Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.

The Secret of Socrates - focus on agreeable points, not differences

Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset, and avoid your opponent, from saying “No”.

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.

A banking customer refuses to cooperate and provide next of kin details. I resolved not to talk about what the bank wanted but about what the customer wanted. And above all else, I was determined to get him saying ‘yes, yes’ from the very start. So I agreed with him. I told him the information he refused to give was not essential and appreciated privacy.

  • Banker: ‘However, suppose you have money in this bank at your death. Wouldn’t you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin, who is entitled to it according to law?’
  • Customer: ‘Yes, of course’
  • Banker: ‘Don’t you think, that it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death, we could carry out your wishes without error or delay?’
  • Customer: ‘Yes’

The Socratic Method was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

A Safety Value in Handling Complaints - talk less, listen more

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves? Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.

“If you want enemies, excel (rise above) your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel (rise above) you.” - La Rochefoucauld

How to Get Cooperation - don’t take credit, plant seeds

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion?

Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.

X-ray Machine Sells to a Doctor wrote:

“Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment. The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office. They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are, I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify.

“I was surprised to get that letter” Dr. Lee said as he related the incident before the class. “I was both surprised and complimented. I had never had an X-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before. It made me feel important. I was busy every night that week, but I canceled a dinner appointment in order to look over the equipment. The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself how much I liked it.

“In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay Self-Reliance

A Formula That Will Work Wonders - see things from others perspective

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason, and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.

“Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint.” - Kenneth M. Goode, How to Turn People Into Gold

“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.” - Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People

Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results, and with less friction and less shoe leather.

“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person, from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives, was likely to answer.” - Dean Donham of Harvard business school

If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing, an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own, if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.

What Everybody Wants - sympathy

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?

This is it:

“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

In response to severe hotheaded criticism: I wanted to be above fools. So I resolved to try to turn her hostility into friendliness. It would be a challenge, a sort of game I could play. I said to myself, “After all, if I were she, I would probably feel just as she does.” So, I determined to sympathize with her viewpoint. So I called an apologized and thanked her. Because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult.

Every man who occupies the White House is faced almost daily with thorny problems in human relations. President Taft was no exception, and he learned from experience the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings.

A story about elevator maintenance and uptime: The manager had to agree that an eight-hour shutdown was more desirable than several days. By sympathizing with the manager’s desire to keep his patrons happy, Mr. Mangum was able to win the hotel manager to his way of thinking easily and without ill feeling.

“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is in some measure, practically a universal practice.” - Dr. Arthur I. Gates, Educational Psychology

An Appeal That Everybody Likes - nobler motives

Appeal to the nobler motives.

J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

When Lord Northcliffe found a newspaper using a picture of him which he didn’t want published, he wrote the editor. But did he say, “Please do not publish that picture of me any more; I don’t like it”? No, he appealed to a nobler motive. He appealed to the respect and love that all of us have for motherhood. He wrote, “Please do not publish that picture of me any more. My mother doesn’t like it.”

A story about debt collection:

At this stage of affairs, the credit manager was about to open fire with a battery of legal talent, when fortunately the matter came to the attention of the general manager. The manager investigated these defaulting clients and discovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly, Something was wrong here—something was drastically wrong about the method of collection. So he called in James L. Thomas and told him to collect these “uncollectible” accounts.

  1. My visit to each customer was likewise to collect a bill long past due—a bill that we knew was absolutely right. But I didn’t say a word about that. I explained I had called to find out what it was the company had done, or failed to do.
  2. I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer’s story, I had no opinion to offer. I told him the company made no claims to being infallible.
  3. I told him I was interested only in his car, and that he knew more about his car than anyone else in the world; that he was the authority on the subject.
  4. I let him talk, and I listened to him with all the interest and sympathy that he wanted—and had expected.
  5. Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play. I appealed to the nobler motives. “First,” I said, “I want you to know I also feel this matter has been badly mishandled. You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives. That should never have happened. I’m sorry and, as a representative of the company, I apologize. As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience. And now, because you are fair-minded and patient, I am going to ask you to do something for me. It’s something that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is your bill; I know it is safe for me to ask you to adjust it, just as you would do if you were the president of my company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say goes.”

“Experience has taught me, that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps mare clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations.” - Mr Thomas

Hollywood Does It - dramatize ideas

Dramatize your ideas.

This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.

When Nothing Else Works - stimulate competition

Throw down a challenge.

This reminds me of Alex Hormozi’s “open to goal” cultural philosophy.

“The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” - Charles Schwab

Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose people weren’t producing their quota of work. After much battling from management, Schwab asked the manager for a piece of chalk, then, turning to the nearest worker, asked, “How many heats did your shift make today?”. “Six”. Without another word, Schwab chalked a big figure six on the floor, and walked away. When the night shift came in, they saw the “6” and asked what it meant. “The big boss was in here today,” the day people said. “He asked us how many heats we made, and we told him six. He chalked it down on the floor.” The next morning Schwab walked through the mill again. The night shift had rubbed out “6” and replaced it with a big “7”.

“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory” - the motto of the King’s Guard in ancient Greece

What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears?

“I have never found, that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.” - Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great Firestone Tire and Rubber Company

Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavorial scientists, concurred. He studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. The one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No, not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

Leadership

If Must Find Fault, Begin This Way - sandwich technique

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.

McKinley’s criticism of an inappropriate speech prepared for him:

“My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech,” McKinley said. “No one could have prepared a better one. There are many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say, but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion? Sound and sober as it is from your standpoint, I must consider its effect from the party’s standpoint. Now you go home and write a speech along the lines I indicate, and send me a copy of it.”

Lincoln’s letter to General Joseph Hooker, during the darkest moments of teh civil war:

I have placed you at the head of the Army of the Potomac. Of course, I have done this upon what appears to me to be sufficient reasons, and yet I think it best for you to know that there are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you. I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, of course, I like. I also believe you do not mix politics with your profession, in which you are right. You have confidence in yourself, which is a valuable if not an indispensable quality. You are ambitious, which, within reasonable bounds, does good rather than harm, But I think that during General Burnside’s command of the army you have taken counsel of your ambition and thwarted him as much as you could, in which you did a great wrong to the country and to a most meritorious and honorable brother officer. I have heard, in such a way as to believe it, of your recently saying that both the army and the Government needed a dictator. Of course, it was not for this, but in spite of it, that I have given you command. Only those generals who gain successes can set up as dictators. What I now ask of you is military success and I will risk the dictatorship. The Government will support you to the utmost of its ability, which is neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all commanders. I much fear that the spirit which you have aided to infuse into the army, of criticizing their commander and withholding confidence from him, will now turn upon you. I shall assist you, as far as I can, to put it down. Neither you nor Napoleon, if he were alive again, could get any good out of an army while such spirit prevails in it, and now beware of rashness. Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance go forward and give us victories.

A story of dealing with a difficult (bronze) subcontractor, during a building construction project, which risked delaying the overall delivery timing. Furious and frustrated, Mr Gaw was sent to New York to beard the bronze corporation lion (CEO) in his den. Instead of blowing his top, started friendly and from a relaxed position of genuine understanding and friendship:

“Do you know you are the only person in Brooklyn with your name?” Mr Gaw asked the president of the subcontracting firm shortly after they were introduced. The president was surprised. “No, I didn’t know that.”

Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with pain reduction. The patient still gets the needed drilling, but it makes it more bearable.

How to Criticise and Not Be Hated

Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some of his employees smoking. Immediately above their heads was a sign that said “No Smoking”. Did Schwab point to the sign and say, “Can’t you read?”. Nope, instead he handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside”. They knew that he knew that they had broken a rule—and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important.

Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.

But To And - highlight others mistakes indirectly

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”

In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism

Eager to do his best, he wrote, rewrote and polished his sermon with the meticulous care of a Flaubert. Then he read it to his wife. It was poor - as most written speeches are. She might have said, if she had had less judgment, “Lyman, that is terrible. That’ll never do. You’ll put people to sleep. It reads like an encyclopedia. You ought to know better than that after all the years you have been preaching. For heaven’s sake, why don’t you talk like a human being? Why don’t you act natural? You’ll disgrace yourself if you ever read that stuff.”

That’s what she might have said. And, if she had, you know what would have happened. And she knew too. So, she merely remarked that it would make an excellent article for the North American Review. In other words, she praised it and at the same time subtly suggested that it wouldn’t do as a speech. Lyman Abbott saw the point.

Talk About Your Own Mistakes First - start with your own shortcomings

Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.

So after that (appreciating young Josephine was trying and more mature than I at the same age), when I wanted to call Josephine’s attention to a mistake, I used to begin by saying:

“You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it’s no worse than many I have made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little inclination to criticize you or anyone. But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done X this way instead?”

Von Bülow’s knew that he ought to have praised before he condemned; but since that was too late, he did the next best thing. He praised after he had criticized. And it worked a miracle.

“Your Majesty surpasses me in manv respects; not only of course, in naval and military knowledge but above all, in natural science…”

Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior. This is particularly effective with children.

No One Likes to Take Orders - ask questions

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

This man declared that during all that time he had never heard Owen D. Young give a direct order to anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. Owen D. Young never said, for example, “Do this or do that” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that”. He would say, “You might consider this” or “Do you think that would work?”. Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, “What do you think of this?” In looking over a letter of one of his assistants, he would say, “Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better.” He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time—even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

Instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the order through, he called everybody together, explained the situation to them, and told them how much it would mean to the company and to them if they could make it possible to produce the order on time. Then he started asking questions:

  • Is there anything we can do to handle this order?
  • Can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop that will make it possible to take the order?
  • Is there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that would help?

The employees came up with many ideas and insisted that he take the order. They approached it with a “We can do it” attitude, and the order was accepted, produced and delivered on time.

Let Others Save Face - be respectful of others pride

Let the other person save face.

Letting one save face, how vitally important that is. And how few of us ever stop to think of it. We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticising a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting.

A story about seasonal (accounting) staff which get let go after tax time:

Mr Balmer, you’ve done a fine job. That time we sent you to Newark, you had a tough assignment. You were on the spot, but you came through with flying colors, and we want you to know the firm is proud of you. You’ve got the stuff - you’re going a long way, wherever you’re working. This firm believes in you, and is rooting for you, and we don’t want you to forget it.’

The negative effects of faultfinding versus the positive effects of letting the other person save face are real.

At one of our production meetings, a vice president was asking very pointed questions of one of our production supervisors regarding a production process. His tone of voice was aggressive and aimed at pointing out faulty performance on the part of the supervisor. Not wanting to be embarrassed in front of his peers, the supervisor was evasive in his responses. This caused the vice president to lose his temper, berate the supervisor and accuse him of lying.

Any working relationship that might have existed prior to this encounter was destroyed in a few brief moments. This supervisor, who was basically a good worker, was useless to our company from that time on. A few months later he left our firm and went to work for a competitor, where I understand he is doing a fine job.

Constrast this with a story about a costly survey error, which was a complete waste:

“Instead, he thanked me for my work and remarked that it was not unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he had confidence that the repeat survey would be accurate and meaningful to the company. He assured me, in front of all my colleagues, that he had faith in me and I knew I had done my best, and that my lack of experience, not my lack of ability, was the reason for the failure. I left that meeting with my head in the air and with the determination that I would never let that boss of mine down again.”

Quote time:

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

How to Spur People on to Success - praise every improvement

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.

Pete was an old friend of mine who had a dog-and-pony act and spent his life traveling with circuses. I loved to watch Pete train new dogs for his act. I noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, Pete patted and praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it.

Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don’t we use meat instead of a whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.” - psychologist Jess Lair

Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B. F. Skinner’s teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

“We decided to try praise instead of harping on their faults. It wasn’t easy when all we could see were the negative things they were doing; it was really tough to find things to praise. We managed to find something, and within the first day or two some of the really upsetting things they were doing quit happening. Then some of their other faults began to disappear. They began capitalizing on the praise we were giving them. They even began going out of their way to do things right. Neither of us could believe it. Of course, it didn’t last forever, but the norm reached after things leveled off was so much better. It was no longer necessary to react the way we used to. The children were doing far more right things than wrong ones.”

What Mr. Roper did was not just flatter the young printer and say, “You’re good”. He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.

Give A Dog A Good Name - give others a grand reputation to strive for

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

“The average person, can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability” - Samuel Vauclain of Baldwin Locomotive Works

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

Shakespeare said:

“Assume a virtue, if you have it not”

And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

Example:

“Mr Bourne, since I left this morning I realized I hadn’t given you the entire picture of our new line, and I would appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points I omitted. I have respected the fact that you are always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”

Could Mr Bourne refuse to give him another hearing? Not with that reputation to live up to.

Mrs. Hopkins decided to face the Tommy problem immediately. When she greeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: “Rose, that’s a pretty dress you are wearing”, “Alicia, I hear you draw beautifully”. When she came to Tommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader. I’m going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year”. She reinforced this over the first few days by complimenting Tommy on everything he did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he was. With that reputation to live up to, even a nine-year-old couldn’t let her down—and he didn’t.

Make The Fault Seem Easy to Correct - encouragment

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique — be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

Here was a kid who had flunked two grades, who had been told he was ‘brain-damaged,’ who had been called ‘Frankenstein’ by his classmates and told his brains must have leaked out of the cut on his head. Suddenly he discovered he could really learn and accomplish things. The result? From the last quarter of the eighth grade all the way through high school, he never failed to make the honor roll; in high school he was elected to the national honor society. Once he found learning was easy, his whole life changed.

Making People Glad To Do What You Want - empathy

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Example 1:

“Bryan was distinctly disappointed when he heard I was to go to Europe as the peace emissary,” Colonel House records in his diary. “He said he had planned to do this himself…”

“I replied that the President thought it would be unwise for anyone to do this officially, and that his going would attract a great deal of attention and people would wonder why he was there…”

You see the intimation? House practically told Bryan that he was too important for the job—and Bryan was satisfied.

Exmaple 2:

One of Jeff’s chores was to pick up pears from under the pear tree so the person who was mowing underneath wouldn’t have to stop to pick them up. He didn’t like this chore, and frequently it was either not done at all or it was done so poorly that the mower had to stop and pick up several pears that he had missed. Rather than have an eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation about it, one day I said to him, ‘Jeff, I’ll make a deal with you. For every bushel basket full of pears you pick up, I’ll pay you one dollar. But after you are finished, for every pear I find left in the yard, I’ll take away a dollar. How does that sound?’

Example 3:

An employee in the supermarket he managed was negligent about putting the proper price tags on the shelves where the items were displayed. This caused confusion and customer complaints. Reminders, admonitions, confrontations, with her about this did not do much good. Finally, Mr Schmidt called her into his office and told her he was appointing her Supervisor of Price Tag Posting for the entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the shelves properly tagged. This new responsibility and title changed her attitude completely, and she fulfiled her duties satisfactorily from then on.

Changing Peoples Attitudes Cheat Sheet

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

  1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
  2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
  4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
  5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
  6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: “John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.”